'I am not loving him enough' has become an echo that interrupts the joy of motherhood. When I had one baby, I felt that I was able to create a good balance in my life and give my son the love, care and the nurturing that he needed and that I wanted to be able to provide. Since becoming a mother of two babies, I find myself torn, and I feel that I am not able to give either of them enough of my love. I genuinely want to give more, and to have the amount of one-on-one time I had with my first born.
On reflection, my conflict is not with guilt, because there is nothing wrong in wanting to love more; I have done nothing wrong and so my guilt is a false echo. My conflict is with my reality; I have chosen to be a single mother and have two children, I choose to do the work I do the way I do it, trying to balance time with my family and giving the energy needed for my work to maintain it's enjoyment, profitability and potential to flourish. In my reality today, it is not physically possible to give both of my children the time I was able to give to one, but my love...my love is unconditional, the love I feel for each of them is unconditional and abundant. Indeed, I feel, on becoming a mother of two children, my love has only amplified to accommodate; there is no lack of love. The truth is, I love them both more than enough. The truth is, I am rather sleep deprived, and feel there is just not enough time or enough of me to do and be what I want right now; my reality is not as I want.
The way to resolve this conflict is to define what I want (I have done this for myself). The next step is to give energy and priority to what is within my power to influence, and to do so with bravery and confidence, and without limitation of attachment on how this comes about; to open myself to infinite possibility, in the pursuit of what really matters now, and then let go let go let go of everything else, and as much as possible. When I choose to believe in myself and trust life, while taming the voices of fear, I can do this.
Copyright Antonia Behan march 2023
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