Hold Your Power

It was an interaction with an ex-boyfriend that highlighted the ‘power’ theme for me, of course, as an after-event, where hindsight has the remarkably annoying capacity of providing useful information late!
 
I recalled how I felt seeing him; the stirring of feelings felt perfectly natural, it had after all been a positive relationship of many years. We had asked after each other’s family; a sincere interest and care, we mentioned our working lives, briefly, while the very dominant theme of my today life captured the main conversation; two beautiful faces beaming from the pushchair.
 
And there was this feeling, I became aware of it in the moment, but I was in it, rather than in the space from where I could view the ‘happening’; it was a sense in my body of being ‘off-balance’, a change in my state, moving out of my presence, and out of alignment within something I could not quite name, and into a place where my ability to choose to respond to life is ‘photo-bombed’ by the subconscious coming out to play an old way of being, formed on earlier mental programming about ‘how to be’ in such a scenario.
 
‘How to be’ in a relationship dynamic such as this meant, to my past self, being ‘less than the other’ and we know the core belief underlying that one: ‘not good enough’. I was on the one hand ‘playing’ what I thought was my present authentic self, because here I was now, a mother, home owner, business owner, and with several other success stories to my name, engaging in polite conversation, feeling confident and exhausted, because what single-mother to two boys under three isn’t living in a perpetual state of ‘happily knackered’!
 
But the truth is, I was not showing up as the person I have become, not the essence of ‘who I am’, rather I was showing up as my ‘titles’ in relation to other people: ‘Mother of my children’, ‘Ex-girlfriend to the man before me’, and on a basis of what I had: ‘Business owner’ and ‘Home owner’. These are reflections of positions within relationships and material possessions, but they tell nothing of ‘who I am’.  Let’s face it, do you truly know anyone on the basis of their role for others or what they own?
 
Who I was being in this interaction, was someone out of alignment with something I could not name, and the reason I could not name ‘it’ was because I cannot give a name to something I am not in acquaintance with, at least, not then in that moment. Now I see what was happening; I was presenting myself out of alignment with my authentic self and the feeling I had of being out of alignment was a result of the power imbalance: I felt myself ‘fall down’ into ‘less than’ as we played out our conversation, while at the same time trying to distract myself from this ‘less than feeling’, by giving the focus to my accomplishments.
 
My authentic self is there, I sense her, I know her in those brief moments when I do the ‘work’ and remind myself of my core essential truth about who I am -  a creative being, a truth-seeker, a writer, a person dedicated to inspiring and empowering others to heal and grow, a spiritual being on a quest for realising greater love in our world, and someone that gains great joy from appreciation of natural beauty in life, an artist, a co-creator, a manifester, a free spirit, and, a dancer!  I know who I am, but sometimes, ‘How I am’ falls out of alignment with this authentic truth about ‘who I am’, and, it is at the core of why that relationship failed; you cannot be in a loving relationship with someone if you are not showing up as your authentic self, because such a relationship cannot bring true happiness and it cannot grow in true love.
 
Life was once again reminding me to connect with my authentic self and bring her to the conversation, rather than standing in the shadows, holding a knowing that is silenced by the ramblings of subconscious beliefs that steal the show because they hold the power, and only because they are experienced in stealing the show with their loud voices and strong presence, and they shall continue to play out their lead roles on the stage of my life, until my authentic self decides to speak up, step into the light and own the stage!
 
What I am writing about is living in full integrity with our authentic selves. It is one thing to find the self and have an idea of self, but another to truly know the self in a fully integrated way, so as to live your authentic self; owning your truth about who you are at your purest essence and being this, being present with this, in your world, every day.
 
When I imagine holding my power as my truest being, next time the interaction would play out differently: I may once again engage in polite conversation, I may ask with sincere care about family members and working life, but I will not falter from my authentic self, I will stand in love, proud of myself at my very core. No negative self-talk required; the voice of ‘less than’ silenced by my strong and present and by now well-versed voice of love. As a result, I will be present as an ‘equal’ to the other, no more, no less, and ‘good enough’ by choice.
 
We cannot stop our triggers occurring, what we can learn to do is to stop them pulling us ‘off centre’ and out of alignment with our authentic presence, and the way we can learn to do this is through the practice of mindful presence, so that we become better able to own our integrity, our truth, our power and our presence, and give strength to the internal voice of love.
 
To better live-in alignment with my authentic self, so that she is not only a known presence in my life, but a fully embodied and lived presence, what I am learning helps this process is:
 
Mindful Intention: ‘I intend to allow my authentic presence to stand boldly in love, and shine’
 
Behaviour change – I know I need to slow down and do less so that I can be more and achieve more of what matters to me in my life: to be a calmer mother and a successful writer. This means letting go of attachments to ‘doing things for my boys’ and instead knowing that when we slow down together and we simply play at home, in the garden, in the trees, and with less organised interaction and activity, we are not only just as happy, but usually happier because we are not rushing to get somewhere on time! It means letting go of a project I run to build my community, as much as I love it, to give focus to a greater love, and it means letting a ton of stuff go, because really, it can wait until tomorrow! It means letting go of habits that take me away from my priorities (tidying the toys can wait, and turning up on time for friends can be let go, for now, because taking ten more minutes brings greater peace to all, peace is a greater value to me, and true friends accept this).
 
Breathe – this is about making a conscious choice to keep noticing and deepening the breath until deeper calmer breathing becomes the natural way.
 
Sleep – the key to general well-being, and a challenge in my world. This need and lack can only be met with the loving choice of acceptance, and through acceptance, understanding that my authentic self is not always going to be someone I like, for a while, because she is tired and easily emotional. But this will pass (some say when the boys are five, others once they are thirty, and some say never!) The truth is, we can only be as we are in acceptance, or in denial and frustration. This is me today ‘Happy knackered’.
 
Creating mantras:
‘I enjoy the peaceful presence I choose to cultivate’.
 ‘I let go of what I can do for fun, for now, to give greater energy to a powerful creative path that resonates deeply with my heart and soul, giving me a profound sense of meaningful purpose and deep life fulfilment’
 
Engaging in power and present building practices
In my ideal world - Every morning, no matter what, do my breathing and yoga workouts, even if there is a baby on my head and another jumping on my arm, because one day they won’t, one day they might play and another they might copy, so choose faith over present frustration.
In my reality – it just doesn’t work like this, so let it go, and practice presence when walking with them in the pram, or in 5-minute gaps between work and family life. Yoga and toned abs can wait another year.
 
Doing what my heart and soul loves – playing with my children, writing, dancing, painting, cooking and actively inspiring and empowering people to love and believe in themselves is what I would love to do. I already do this.
 
My learning from this is I generally practice living my authentic truth in what I do each day, but I am not holding my power and bringing my authentic self to the moment because I allow old triggers, random thoughts, and ‘have to do habits’ to steal my truth, and this happens, in a nutshell, because I am not breathing calmly. Through calm breathing, I have the mind mastery skills to let go of the unnecessary and old patterns of thinking and being, and allow my authentic self to be present, so that I no longer fall into resonance with the echoes of my past, but stand boldly, bravely and firmly in my authentic presence’; ‘Loving and happily knackered’.
 
Your reflection space:

• How are you feeling about your authentic presence?
• When do you feel present, connected and sincerely powerful?
• What spaces support your authentic presence?
• Who supports your authentic presence?
• Who or what causes you to falter?
• What do you love about your authentic self?
• What do you dislike about your authentic self?
• How do you feel about growing your personal integrity – what would be different for you and your world?

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Copyright Antonia Behan 2024